There are two reasons, dear fellow women, whose hearts and minds happen to have have been eternally consumed by this god-forsaken evil habit of men (Yes, I am aware that women cheat too, but the focus here is on men unfortunately).
Just two.
Two simple reasons that could turn the man of your dreams into a pain-wielding jerk-ass or asshole or dog (whatever term pleases you whilst you lay all the blame on him) when he chooses to bed another woman;
- Denial of Sex
- Opportunity
Say What?
I’m a little confused too. I thought it would be a myriad of reasons like, I don’t know….
- You were coerced into marriage by Society’s moral whims because you got pregnant and it was unplanned and you both have to do the right thing.
- You fell into each other’s arms and ended up in this pathetic state of affairs where routine and comfort have somewhat convinced the both of you that there is nothing or no-one else out there for you, so you have held onto the status quo, choking each other under a blanket of insecurities and unfulfilled desires.
- You are falsely believe that you are “meant to be together”. You have written stories for yourselves, chapters upon chapters of hows, whens, wheres, whys and whats, leaving no room for Life to happen as it should, with passion and adventure. You own each other in this written story; it is impossible for one to simply be without the other.
- You have misunderstood Love; creating a fallacy where your partner is intended to fulfill all your desires, meet your needs, be the reason you are happy. You relinquish all control over your emotions to your partner, burdening them with a task only God and yourself can handle.
So, those two reasons came up when I was having breakfast today with my colleagues; a round table consisting of little ol’ me and 4 male colleagues, who all happen to be “happily” married and are, undoubtedly connoisseurs on the matter.
A couple of wise men.
I do not quite remember how we got here, but I remember stating that marriage is something that puts the fear of God in me. (My personal history has a little to do with it, having grown up in an environment women are taught to endure, like my mother has for the past 17 years a “bad marriage”).
And I am also afraid of getting to that age when my biological clock out-ticks all my sensibility and I am overcome by a sudden and unquenchable thirst to breed with any Tom, Dick and Harry that could be available at the time. Goodness, God forbid!
Besides, maybe I’ll end up doing it for all the wrong reasons like almost everybody around me and end up in a depraved co-dependent relationship with no chance of getting out because there’s nothing better out there and we have become gifted at covering it all up with #Happy #Blessed #Love tags everywhere but in the empty abyss of our hearts.
Anyway.
Ladies, did you know that your man is vindicated to cheat if you deny him a steady supply of his God given right to mount you (on every so reasonable occasion). Yes, he will understand the 9 months of pregnancy and the few months of recovery in between (inclusive of breastfeeding and weaning) and he will only stomach you being “tired”, or “not in the mood” or “on your period” when these happen to be far and in between; not every god damn week!
And secondly,
If you dare sanction him the slightest opportunity (the raging debate went well beyond breakfast and followed me to my desk, leaving me wondering what exactly an opportunity could mean), he will grab that bull by the horns, he will bite that bullet and he will lick the honey from that other pot and he will continue gobbling from it, savoring every taste and he will only come back home with just enough respect for you to attempt to wipe off the taste from his wandering tongue. It will be a brutal cycle of lies and deceit and mind games and countless efforts of detective work on your end.
At this point, in my naivety, I asked if allowing a man opportunity is letting him be a man, allowing him the space and freedom to be himself. I mean, should I know all his passwords? Keep abreast with all his social media activities? Give him no breathing space and in the process, suffocate him enough to make him want to jump off a cliff – anything to breathe a little away from me? Should I asphyxiate him of everything that attracted me to him in the first place?
The response is a unified and chorused No (sounded like a rugby chant minus the chest thumping and crates of beer).
I was then schooled; giving him opportunity is basically not doing your duty as his woman.
It appears that beyond the 18th Century, women still have to put in all the work, that the burden of a failed relationship is borne heavily by women in this society.
It’s her fault if her man isn’t happy – she just wasn’t doing her job right.
She wasn’t cooking right. She wasn’t sexing right. She wasn’t submissive. She was too focused on her career. She did not bear him a son. She drinks too much. She smokes. She talks too much. She sleeps with a stocking on her head. She stopped being sexy.
OK, I digress; a pair of old, fetid, tattered panty-hose on your head is quite the buzzkill.
This is where we are, after centuries of evolution as a society, the profanity of the caveman mentality has refused to loosen its’ grip when it comes to the complexity of our copulative unions.
Women may revel in some percentage of freedom in the boardrooms, but in the bedroom – honey, bend over, arch your back, make merry with his man muscle and make sure to sous chef him his favorite meal then please tuck him in when you’re done.
Otherwise, you’ll have these two reasons to thank the heavens that another woman relieved you of your humble duties.
*****
We need to evolve.
Our relationships need to evolve.
We need to revolutionize the way we handle each other in love. Really.
I have grown into a space where (and there were bitter lessons learnt on this road) I am consciously aware that my Lover cannot humanely be entirely responsible for my happiness.
Our emotions are exclusively our individual responsibility.
I have also grown into a space where I don’t want a Lover to validate me but a Lover who recognizes that I am real woman; not a whim for his desires and a marker for his milestones or a step for the various stages his Life must take.
To evolve is to experience each other’s beauty, ugliness, ride the volatile expanse of each other’s life experiences, call each other out on bullshit.
It is to be vulnerable, brutally honest and open with each other (like, shouldn’t we be adult enough and joke about that ass he saw that he just can’t shake off his mind & we could have a laugh about this guy in the office who thinks my legs are the stairway to heaven?)
It is to balance, encourage, challenge & build each other up.
It is to feel a heavy, undeniable, mind boggling and powerful desire, love and admiration for each other.
It is to practice kindness, mindfulness, thrills, excitement, touching…
It is to walk through Life together.
You both deserve nothing less.
There is more to the long term other than babies and a poor cure for loneliness.
It is so much more than being a lady in the streets & a freak in the sheets or bringing home the bacon.
So many don’t realize how deep a relationship can scourge; when you let someone into your life; you do not only allow them a healthy serving of your physical and emotional space, but your spiritual and energetic cosmos as well.
Relationships serve a higher purpose: Growth. Self-Exploration and Healing.
Share your true, authentic self with your partner (No. Not the well done eyebrows and Lippie, let him love you with your morning breath and messy hair. Let her know that you are the type of guy that gets off on more than one woman).
Be Open and Vulnerable.
Acknowledge & Appreciate each others’ presence.
Celebrate each others’ victories and lift each other from up the dungeons when you’ve fallen into chasms of all manner of negativity.
Do not dissolve of who you are by virtue of simply wanting to please your Lover. (It’s a fatal mistake, trust me. Been there before, where you literally morph into another’s definitions and expectations of you so much you relinquish to them such immense power, your sense of self worth is eroded by the relationship itself).
Be in tune, Be in sync.
Be clear on your intentions, your goals, your desires, your needs and your wants.
Create it for yourselves, that elusive perfect Love, that craving, wanting, lusting euphoria – it comes by a decisive commitment and focus and it requires a spiritual level of conscientiousness.
It’s a dual effort to make this shit work.
We get it so damn wrong!
It’s not his or her job. It’s our job.
It’s not his or her fault. It’s our fault.
My man will suffer me a consequence of his manhood; I will have nothing of him being less of who he is destined to be; Kingly. I will have him seated on his throne and I will pay homage every inch of his virile existence.
I will adore him and I will serve him.
I will be his lady, his whore.
I will be the ground in which he will plant his seeds.
I will be glutinous for a taste of him. I will be all that and more.
But,
Let’s get it clear.
He will only get this if he acknowledges that I am Queen and should be treated no less.
If there should be any two reasons, let it be that
- we have both lost the belief in the purpose of us being together
- we have no way of rekindling the spark that once intensely charred our souls for each other.
The Art of A 